Weep Not for the Memories
by elixia13
Summary: Blair's upset after attending a friend's wedding, and this leads to something he had hardly let himself hope for with Jim. very slight J/B


Weep Not for the Memories

Summary: Blair's upset after attending a friend's wedding, and this leads to something he had hardly let himself hope for with Jim.

Note: Lyrics (sparingly) quoted are from Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You".

~~~

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

~~~

Jim returned home from working a Saturday shift, expecting to find the loft as empty as he'd left it. The day had been long and boring--in other words, Sandburg-free. Sandburg-less. Utterly without Sandburg. Jim knew he was being unreasonable, that his younger partner had a life beyond the loft and the police station, a life that didn't revolve around a middle-aged Sentinel. He knew he had to reign in his feelings and prepare himself for the day his Guide found a woman to love and moved out of his life.

Maybe today would be the beginning of the end. Blair had driven down to Seattle to attend the wedding of an old friend, and there were sure to be several young women who would fall easily for the Sandburg charm. Jim didn't expect him back until the next day, certain that Blair would find himself out until all hours with the wedding party. Lost in thought, Jim parked his truck and had his key in the door to the loft before he realized that his home was, indeed, occupied.

//Don't tell me he brought her back here. I am *not* up for this.//

But, no, Blair sat on the couch studying, his hair tied back and his glasses perched on his face. Jim forced himself not to stare at the line of that exposed neck, the cheekbones accentuated by the ponytail and the glasses. Tightening control on his desires, Jim managed to walk casually into the loft, hang up his coat, and grab a beer out of the fridge.

"Don't tell me you struck out at the wedding, Chief. Or were the bride's friends not attractive enough for you?"

Blair scowled up at his roommate. "Yeah, ha-ha Jim, that's me. The eternal humper of table legs. I wanted to study, okay man? Give me a break." The words were uncharacteristically brusque, and Blair quickly adjusted his glasses and returned to studying.

Jim stood with is beer in his hand, surprised by his friend's reaction. "Relax, Chief, I didn't mean anything--"

"Yeah, whatever, I think I will relax. I'll be in my room." He gathered up his books and papers and retreated behind the French doors, closing them and turning on his radio.

Jim shrugged to himself and turned on the TV, but he kept his hearing partially focussed on Blair, hoping that his concern was misplaced. When a new song started on the radio in Blair's room, Jim heard his roommate's heartbeat spike sharply.

"I will remember you Will you remember me?"

"Goddamnit!" Blair's voice--angry, pitched low.

"Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories"

With a sudden bang, the music stopped. "Can't a guy study in peace? Fuck!" A thud of a fist against plaster reverberated in Jim's head. Finally, he walked over to the French doors and knocked.

"What!"

Jim pushed the door open and smiled, hoping to diffuse his friend's anger. "First the radio attacks you and now the wall? Sounds like they're ganging up on you in here."

Blair pushed his hair out of his face and visibly tried to calm himself. "Look, I'm sorry, Jim. I'm just not in a good mood tonight."

"What happened at this wedding? Did something go wrong?"

"No, no, the wedding was--" Jim heard his heartbeat spike again, and Blair paused to take a deep breath and expel it slowly. "It was beautiful. I just--" Blair paused again, and Jim noticed that his friend's eyes were rimmed with red, as though he'd been trying not to cry. "It was just hard for me. I'm sorry, man. It's nothing." He inhaled a bit wetly.

"I don't get it, Chief. This was your friend Aaron, right? From high school?"

"Yeah, we were really close, best friends, you know. He went to Stanford, but we kept in touch pretty well for a few years. Visited, you know. I haven't seen him too much in the last few years, but I miss him a lot. He was someone I wanted to always--" Blair paused and then finished quietly, "be with."

Jim still didn't feel that he understood. "And that has you all worked up?"

"Jesus, Jim, you're not going to let this go, are you? I'm going to have to spell this out because otherwise you'll never leave this alone. Just remember that you asked, okay?"

"Yeah, Chief. I'm not going to get upset unless you tell me you hacked the groom up and brought him home in your trunk."

"Uh-huh. Well, here goes." Blair cleared his throat, buying himself another second's reprieve. "I was in love with him. I was in love with my friend Aaron, probably for years. You satisfied?"

"Probably? Chief, what, did you sleep with him?" Jim asked quietly.

"No, man, I never even told him. I didn't even really figure it out until my first year at Rainier. But looking back, I think I loved him front the moment we met. In home room, of all places." Blair angled his gaze down, away from his roommate.

"Okay, you can freak out now."

"I'm not going to freak out. Shit, Blair, I'm sorry. I can see why you're upset. Seeing the person you cared for declaring his love for someone else must be rough."

"Yeah, well, that sucked, I won't deny it, but that's not what's really eating at me. And I don't think I can talk to you about it. I'm sorry."

Jim took a step and sat down on the bed next to Blair. "You're not going to feel any better until you get this out of your system. At least that's what you're always telling me, Chief."

"Sure, throw my words back in my face, Jim. Nice. I don't know. If you haven't freaked out yet, I guess... Shit, what's the worst that can happen? Not like it would be the end of the world. Hah, well, not really..."

"Sandburg, if you don't spit it out I'm going to throw you off the balcony."

"I'm upset, Jim, thinking that the same thing is going to happen with you."

"What?"

"Next year, the year after, you'll find someone, get married, kick me out of the loft. I don't know if I'll be able to stand it."

Jim's eyes widened as he suddenly realized what his Guide was telling him. //It can't be true. It can't be this easy.// Not even thinking of what his reaction would look like, Jim stood up, backing away from the bed, and fled through the loft to the stairs. Once he reached the refuge of his room, he sank to the bed, trying to control his breath as he felt himself slipping closer to hyperventilation.

He heard footsteps on the stairs, and then Blair was standing on the top step, his coat on and his backpack trailing in one hand. "I'm sorry, Jim, I shouldn't have said anything. I'm going to take a walk. I--I can be out next week."

"No! No, you don't have to--"

"No, Jim, I can see how uncomfortable this makes you."

"Is it supposed to be comfortable, Chief, finding out that you love me?"

"No, Jim. Shit, that's why I'm leaving."

"I'm not comfortable, Sandburg, because I just found out that what I've been dreaming about for so long could be a reality."

"What?"

"Come here."

Blair dropped his backpack and stepped forward to find himself engulfed in Jim's warm arms. He wrapped his arms around Jim's back and leaned into his chest. His muffled voice was nonetheless audible to Sentinel ears. "What are you telling me here, Jim?"

"I love you , okay? I have for a long time."

"Like a friend, Jim? You love me like a friend, because I'm your Guide?"

"No, Chief. Blair, God no." He pulled back, looking Blair in the eyes. "I realize how I felt for you when Lash almost killed you. I knew then that my life would be...nothing without you." Jim sighed deeply.

"Geez, Jim, that was years ago."

"Well, tell me Darwin, when did you figure it out?"

"Oh, well, you know. My office."

"That first day?"

He smirked. "Yeah, well, I have a Neanderthal fetish."

"You want me to slam you against the wall, Chief?"

"Nah, a kiss would be good, though."

Tightening his hold on his friend's shoulders, Jim tilted his head down and met Blair's lips with his own. He could taste peppermint from the tea Blair had been drinking while he studied and the slight salt taste of the tears he'd swallowed. He could smell the bitter sweat of Blair's anxiety and sadness giving way to warm, heady pheromones. Jim slid his hands up over Blair's shoulders to his face and, cupping it gently, deepened the kiss. The heels of Jim's hands tingled from the rough beard stubble, while his fingers swept over smooth cheekbones.

Finally, with both of them running out of air, they broke apart, and Jim let his hands drop back down to Blair's shoulders. He stood there with his eyes still closed, leaning slightly against his sturdy partner, awash in the sound of their panting breaths and pounding hearts, the rhythms matching beat for beat. Regretfully pulling away from the waves of sound, Jim opened his eyes to meet Blair's, that deeper, truer blue making him gasp.

"God," Jim breathed, surprised that he was capable of speech. "God, Blair, I love you. I want you."

"I want you too, Jim, I have for years. But not on the first date, man. It's too soon."

Jim met his Guide's gaze, holding it and testing his sincerity for a moment before looking away, taking a few breaths to rein in his libido, which wanted to toss Blair onto the bed and screw him through the mattress. Meeting Blair's eyes again, Jim smiled. "So, you free for dinner tomorrow night?"

Blair raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Where you takin' me, man?"

"Wonderburger?"

"What do you think I am, cheap?"

"Nah, just easy. How about that new Thai place you mentioned?"

A smile, and the deep blue eyes shone brighter than before. "Sounds good, man."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

~~~

How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

~~~

THE END 


End file.
